Don’t Expect What You Won’t Inspect

I’ve written many times about my favorite parenting quote,

Powerful words.  If mom can’t stay focused, why would we expect our kids to.

I found these words years ago, and  quickly adopted them as the standard of my parenting style.   Chores, school, attitude – it all relies on my own diligence while they are young.  I’m not sure of the original source, but according to google, it may be a variant of small business guru Steve Davies’ writings.  It makes a lot of sense, kids aren’t the only ones who need to know that their efforts will be recognized – nobody does a meaningless task.

If you want to ensure behaviors, set up the process so that your kids are guaranteed success.

So, how does it work?

1.  State Expectations Clearly

Be specific.  Do you know what you want your child to do?  “I want them to be good” isn’t an option here.  Think it through.  What do you really want your child to accomplish?  In a weird way, many parents refuse to be specific with their expectations because they are afraid that if they set a limit, they can never adjust it.  They prefer the flexibility of “be good,” and think that it is okay for the specifics to change daily.  Our failure as parents to think through what we want, is not our child’s failure to follow through. 

Be respectful.  Would you want to work for a boss who said, “Your desk is a mess! What have you been doing in here?”  or would you prefer someone who said “I’ll need you in a meeting in 5 minutes.  Could  you take some time to organize your desk in the mean time?”  See the difference?  Same request, different tone.

Ask if they understand.  Parents use a lot of words, and kids check out – it is natural.  Make sure they were listening to your request and can state the steps they need to take.

2.  Teach the Process

Sadly, many times as parents we assume that our kids will know intuituvely what we expect of them.  Sometimes the obvious isn’t quite as obvious as we think it should be.

Kids need explicit instruction.  This can be as simple as a checklist, or a lesson in how much laundry soap to use.  It will take a bit of time, but knowing that they fully understand the steps of what they are expected to do is freeing.

Let them know an expected finish time.  Consistency is the key.  Having 5 minutes to finish the dishes one day, and an entire Saturday the next is confusing if it isn’t stated clearly.

3.  Inspect regularly

You can say that you expect your little one to fly to the moon, but unless you check on their progress, they will never begin such a daunting task.  It is no different with expecting chores to be done.

Be consistent.  You can’t teach once and then walk away.  Watch every time at first.   Kids need to know that mom is taking this new rule seriously.  Inspect so regularly that your child can almost always expect PRAISE for completed tasks.  Not over the top gushing compliments, but a simple statement that recognizes their efforts were successful.  A “Hey, thanks for getting the sweeping done so neatly,” or “Yup, you’re free to go play now, nice job,”  goes a long way.

Stay positive.    Goals are reinforced when you frequently restate them with an attitude that indicates that you expect your child to succeed.  Ask “How’s the morning routine coming?” rather than “Aren’t you done yet?” and don’t forget to smile.

4.  Inspect Irregularly

Yes, I know this is the opposite of the previous point, but it really is the next step.  Kids won’t always need to be reminded to wash their hands after going to the bathroom, or to turn off their bedroom lights before leaving.

Proficiency comes with repetition –  Even as kids become more independent, it is important to check on them regularly.  Remember, we aren’t looking for faults, but reminding them of the task at hand.  “What are you choosing to do right now?” or “How’s the math coming?” will let them know that you are there.  The goal is to reward desired behaviors.

Now, just to clarify, I’m not saying you should hover over your kids, but that our kids should know that mom is going to see their hard work and happily tell them “great job.”  Obedience doesn’t happen because we talk at our kids, it happens when we intentionally look for results.  When expectations are clear, and results are recognized, follow through becomes its own reward.

So, what do you need to inspect a bit more often?  I’m going backwards and checking up on toothbrushing habits this week because I think one little one needs the reminder ~ Not that I really want to stand in the bathroom, but it will be worth it.

Pay attention!  Inspection impacts results.

*random note because I know someone will ask -the cute castle bed in the photo above came from Mike and Kelsey of MyKidArea.com