How many times have you seen this? Your toddler happily pulls out a coloring book but after only a few strokes they crumple their paper and leave the table deflated. An older child sits it in front of a sheet of blank paper grumbling for fear that the assignment is “too haaaard,” before they have even attempted to see what they can do.

Me? I’ve seen it a lot.

Unfortunately, I’m not above it myself, and you probably aren’t either. What project have you thought about doing, but then relegated to the area of “unachievable” without even trying?

Although some accomplishments may happen easily, most are hard won. Few musicians becomes competent without practice. Artists make multiple sketches before a final product, writers edit, scientists experiment, and inventors tweak endlessly. Success requires some amount of failure. By ignoring this we are allowing our perceived limitations to dictate what we will or will not try. How sad.

It is okay to fail. Really. In fact, failure may just be one of the most important things we can allow ourselves to do, and teaching our children to work through their own imperfection is one of the best gifts we can give them. It will grant them so much more:

• Permission to try
• Perseverance 
• Freedom to explore new thoughts and ideas
• Something to work toward and look forward to
• Self confidence

So what prevents us from trying? Why do we hold ourselves to an unachieveable standard, and how can we help our children to avoid this same faulty thinking?

What if I don’t do it right?

Plan moments of failure – We are all supposed to fail at some point. The trick is to learn how to fail well: to learn from our mistakes and to do so with a good attitude.  Intentionally set up occasional projects as “experiments,” and notify your kids that you will be throwing them away at the end of the day. Encourage them to, in the words of Ms. Frizzle of The Magic School Bus, {affiliate link} “Take chances, make mistakes, and get messy.” Knowing that their work will be exempt from judgement may just give them the freedom to begin thinking creatively.

I’ll never finish

Work in stages – Achieving a victory, however small, motivates us to continue on. Instead of allowing your kids to beat themselves up and quit, encourage them to try again.  Avoid paying attention to their wails of “it’s ruined!”  but instead use neutral words like “That happens, how can we do better next time.”  Staying positive teaches them just now normal and accepted mistakes can be.  Learning perseverance requires practice and a knowledge that they can keep working on their projects for as long it takes to reach success. Oh, and don’t worry if your kids loose interest halfway through a project.  Not everything needs to be finished to perfection.

It is a waste of time

So what? – Rarely is time ever truly wasted. We are always learning and growing. Lessons don’t need to be done according to the timeline or the teacher’s manual. They just don’t. Allow a bit of wiggle room for rabbit-trails. Take an extra trip to the library when your child shows curiosity about a topic. Follow their passions, and allow them to think through their curiosities.

I’m not talented

Set the example – We all have areas that we excel at, and areas that we have to work diligently in. Allow yourself to  make mistakes in front of your kids.  Don’t hide your burned dinner or upside down sewing project.  Instead laugh and show off your own imperfection.  Good attitudes are learned more through what our kids see than what they are told.  Teach them that effort is to be respected, and that mistakes are to be expected.

What will other people think?

Tell stories – We falsely believe that if we don’t do well everyone will notice.  This causes us to feel inadequate to the task. Notice any self-centeredness here? Have you ever thought poorly of someone for doing their best? For going out of their way to put effort into a lofty goal? Nah, me either. Teaching our kids that everyone is busy with their own life and tasks is freeing. Tell stories of your own failures, and of their own hard won success,  Encourage your child that failure is a natural part of life rather than a point of embarrassment.

Allowing fear to control our actions is a sad way to go through life. It is time to change a few definitions.  Success isn’t getting it right.  Success is trying hard, persevering, and having a good attitude. Success is a process. Failure done well is only momentary, and it is a sign that we are confidently taking risk and working hard.

Lets encourage our kids to strive toward successful failure a little more often. We may just discover that we can all exceed our own expectations.